Gossip Day

Tip of the Day: Looking for a little writing inspiration? Plan a vacation for somewhere warm!!

Since Deena (Miss Subbing for Pubbing) is still in Cancun have a wonderful vacation (we hope!) we thought we’d do what all girls do when a friend is out of the room.

Talk about her! :-)

Well, her teaser from last week that is. Remember?

Since we’re talking about how we critique this week we are each going to do a mini-critique of Deena’s teaser. Here it is again to refresh your memory and then our critiques:

FROM KATE:

Love: I love the internal dialogue. You’ve given us a moral dilemma to think through along with your main character. I can totally empathize with why she’d want to break the law now.

Thoughts on improvements: Russ touches her back twice. What does he want from her? I expected your thoughtful MC to have more of a reaction to it. Is she disgusted or comforted by it?

FROM EMILY:

Love: The idea of this whole novel: a girl saving her boyfriend from going to war. Such powerful stuff. The seriousness of this piece comes through really well for me too. I love that it takes place at a parade. The juxtaposition of making this huge decision while the clown cars are speeding through and then people yelling at the vets is great.

Thoughts on improvements: Some of this might be in the previous scene, but I'd still like to see more description of Russ's actions and general behavior. Point out the unusual to further show how shady he and his family are. Also I'd love more internal dialogue on how the MC feels directly after Russ asks her if she wants to get her boyfriend out. Maybe say more how it's illegal, the government would hunt her, or something else to up the stakes and give a more visual picture of what could happen to her if she agreed to what Russ was saying.

FROM KRISTINA:

Love: The whole thing. It’s really good. I love the parade details and that she’s meeting this guy who is going to help her out and how it’s sandwiched between something as simple as him going to get cokes. Awesome.

Thoughts on improvements: I know this situation is hard for your MC. She wants to save her boyfriend before he goes off to Vietnam. And it’s awkward talking to this guy and doing something shady. I think some extra sensory details here would really help. Specifically, how is this affecting her? Like, do the hairs on the back of her neck stand up? Does she feel a bead of sweat on her forehead? Does her pulse race?

FROM LISA:

Love: Wow, this is such a great idea for an historical novel, Deena. As far as this scene, I really love how you intersperse what's happening in the parade with the situation for your MC at hand. It works really well, because she's thinking of her brother and that one of those guys being yelled at could be him.

Thoughts on improvements: When she talks of her parents making her come to the parade year after year, and being annoyed by that, I thought, I bet she liked it when she was younger. Has it always annoyed her, or is there something this year that really bothers her about it? I think that could tell us a lot about her actually. Maybe suddenly, with everything going on, she feels more grown up. Too old for the honking clowns. The other thing that stood out for me are the people watching Russ. I didn't really get that. And why would they want his Cokes? He doesn't even have them yet, right? I think you're trying to get across that he's a shady character, I just wonder if there's something else she could notice that would tell us that.

Hopefully Deena will find our comments helpful! What does everyone else think? Did we miss the mark anywhere? Do you have any notes for Deena?

-The Misses